My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
