My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
