hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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