I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
