Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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