i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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