I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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