shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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