I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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