i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
she peed on how many people?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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