Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
