went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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