I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
