Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
