I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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