I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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