im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
