Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
