I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Randomize
