I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Randomize
