Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
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I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
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A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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