Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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