If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize