If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
