I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
