any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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