The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
