omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
