when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
