He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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