I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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