I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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