i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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