I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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