Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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