Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
