Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
