i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Randomize