i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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