This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
