a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
