Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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