y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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