Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
