the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
