oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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