ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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