My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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