hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
