I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just want to make out with him forever
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
