a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
