as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
