Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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