So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
